trail :: a half year project

part of the manifesto over at the wishstudio is to not only follow a path, but to also leave a trail for others to follow. i think about this often, what my path is, where i am going...it is everchanging. it is not a straight line, it is a wandering. and as i go, i am always dropping breadcrumbs for you to come along, hoping that with me you will discover your best self as well.

i want to to live joyfully and full of authenticity. that IS my path...to live, to love, to create, to connect with others and laugh and be inspired. sometimes i forget the simplicity of my mission and think that i have to actually produce something to define myself...a book, a piece of art, a place,...some thing that is tangible. but as i sit with these ideas more and more i realize that my path, my legacy is in contained in the snapshots of my everyday life.

that is not to say that i should never create anything...(i do still feel like there is so much more inside of me waiting to come out)...but i don't think that is the end all and be all. we both know it is about the process, the journey :)

thinking about this, and being recently inspired by jamie and her project 365 photo challange, i have decided to focus on the smaller moments...the day to day, and join the project. i will add the pictures to my journal and see what unfolds. i imagine the new dimention will inspire a different kind of perspective, and a new perspective is just what i need to jump start the second half of 2008, which is right around the corner.

earthy goodness

to my surprise and delight, we have a giant old lilac bush in our yard. it's my favorite flower and i just noticed it starting to bloom a few weeks ago...the hallmark that summer is right around the corner and also time to celebrate mothers and fathers. i love these tiny purple buds that are so fragrant and beautifully scented.

today my little gardener and i finally laid our little easter seedlings into the ground. we cleared out an overgrown corner of the earth to neatly bear our flowers, cucumbers, green beans, zucchinis, and pumpkins. we got smudged with dirt and covered with earthy goodness. it felt good to have the sun in our eyes, the scent of lilacs swirling around us (and around me now as i type this :) we hung a handmade birdhouse in the corner to add just the right personal touch. it was hours of hard work, but fun getting all messy and claiming our garden.

i definately don't get my hands in the earth enough. there is something about the tactile experience and the smell that is so gratifying...the quiet pace you find, the sun warming your bones, life in the palm of your hands. it is something special yet so simple. the fall harvest is makes it sweeter still. today i am thankful for this small blessing.

"i wished for a party" :: my motherhood

we had an hour in the warm sun yesterday that was pure bliss. we discovered a new little park with a tiny bridge and a fountain and an old fortrace and the oldest trees great for climbing. there were a zillion dandilions and i think O made 1000 wishes, but he told me this one in particular with a sheepish and sweet little grin. he's thinking candy filled piniatas, balloons, cake and goodie bags...i'm thinking i wish i could give him all that and so much more.

lately motherhood has been hard for me. yes, now i know i have a challenging child, but that knowledge doesn't make some days any easier. i have been feeling like i am walking on thin ice here in the land before 5. my little guy who is not a baby any more, though not yet a boy but becoming more so every day, challenges every atom of my being. sometimes this is powerful and beautiful and introspective and good, other times it is visceral and frustrating and maddening and not so good.

i wish i could only be patience and light and wonder for this child who i love so fiercely. i admit that i am a person who is ruled by my emotions, and this is not always the best parenting model. so i often worry about failing him. i know in my head it is not that black and white. that our relationship is made up of a million glittering points of light and dark, but it is easy to focus on the dark...when i feed my son ice cream for lunch because i'm too tired to go to the grocery store, when i forget to brush his teeth for the second night in a row, when i don't mean to yell so loudly, when i want to just have ten minutes alone and resent that i can't, when he acts so atrociously i wonder where i went so wrong, when my patience is simply gone.

and then the sun comes out, and he makes wishes even for me, and he wants to hug, and he converses easily with me like a 10 year old about life and all it's curiosities, and he's so happy and sweet and so content i want to weep.

these are my mothering moments lately...sunny and stormy and passionate. he is a lot like me.






*

highs and lows :: the past few days

friday brought rain and fever and tears...our beloved dog mika of 15 years was laid to rest after a long heartwrenching debate and one of the saddest goodbyes i have ever been a part of. my husband and i held him until his very last breath. there are so many words i could say about this loss, but i find my mind wanting to hold it all tightly in, close, just for now.

saturday brought more time in bed...lots of sleeping, fighting germs and saddness and fatigue. feeling very out of sorts and adrift. some quiet in the house, some chaos. riding the waves of emotions and nausia.

sunday brought me upright and rallying for the troops...a mother's day breakfast so sweet yummy i shouldn't have but did, a spontaneous letterboxing trip to find a friend's hidden treasure and getting lost along the way (though so worth the fun and beauty we discovered), tics and dandilions, bright sunshine and strawberry coolatas, planting and gifts and kisses, a failed attempt to go mini golfing (oh well), anonomously knitted baby blankets and caps donated to the local birthing center for all those special mother's day deliveries!

it has been a vary mixed bag of highs and lows. i am happy it is a regular old monday.

from my bed

from my bed...i can see the tide is going out, the sky has faded from pink and nightime is stealing in, i have the stomach bug, and so does the rest of my family, so the house is quieter than usual, i am on my laptop, pillows propped up,drinking sweet jasmine tea, listening to you, reading, learning, laughing, connecting, feeling a bit hungry, contemplating toast, but then again no, and feeling very sleepy, but content in this quiet moment, with the cool spring breeze blowing in my door and the sun melting into the earth as i drift beneath my covers.

creative therapy

the weekend was full of creative projects and inspiring moments...sewing, journal making, homemade paper tags, finding bits for my inspiration and vision board starting to take shape, coloring, reading, collaging, listening to podcasts, yoga sequencing, blogging, connecting with you, making cards for mother's day and birthdays to come, reading your emails (which i love), a family party, and yummy gift buying. whew! no wonder why i am exhausted :) hope your weekend filled you to the brim!

an unveiling

the new wishstudio is unveiled! can't wait to meet you over there...

good things

watching :: the island come to life...so many birds in the sanctuary~cranes, cardinals, plovers, swans, falcons and countless others. everything starting to turn green. tiny sproutlets growing in our greenhouse window that will become my son's vegetable garden. the daily tides. no tv.

doing :: lots of organizing and purging. family time all around. shopping for lighter springy clothes. writing in my new daily journal that is for my husbands eyes ~ another way for us to connect. letterboxing. trips to the museums.

creating :: lots of little crafty projects like paper making and quick reconstructive sewing old clothes. new spring schedules and routines. new ideas for the wishstudio. outdoor living space on all 3 decks.

thinking :: about... getting a new piercing. going to the squam art retreat. playdates and connecting with friends. deepening my yoga practice. committment and discipline. doing a cleanse again. summercamp. making a website. the next phase of my nonprofit program. goth modern with a french twist.

reading :: lots of blogs. a little erotica. adorn magazine, one of my new faves. manic, a memoir by terri cheney and about bipolar in general. the local newspapers to get more acquainted with our new neighborhood. your emails.

feeling :: wildly content.

just left of center

you have called me back here
again, and again
to my center
where i have been wandering
just a little to the left
exploring life
feeling my way
searching for something
but knowing it is here
all the this time
a warmth that calls to me
your siren's song
of friends and faith and love
the stuff that makes life golden
and beautiful
and rich...
thank you for always calling me
home.

being bi

since being diagnosed with bipolar II there is a new clarity to how i experience everything. my emotional meter is read from moment to moment and throught a very different gauge. it is not like getting to know myself again...it is the complete opposite - i am embracing this girl i always kind of knew i was with the lacey web of light and dark that makes up my delicate core.

all through my life i've always felt that what showed on the outside, my characteristics, my posessions, my accomplishments and failures, my smile or my tears...they were all different kinds of masks, and the undercurrent of swirling, sticky emotions was the real, messy me. this often made me feel like an actor playing out my own life. such an odd feeling that i never really could put my finger on or explain. i am not inauthentic or ingenuine, just disconnected.

based on what i was feeling at any given time is the persona that surfaces. no, it's not like having multiple personalities. it'smore like being a character actor and each character in some way shape and form is some real part of me. it is very fragmenting and it makes me often feel like i don't fit in and very insecure. it gives me this feeling of vague unfamiliarity with who i am. i feel most familiar simply with how i feel. now i know why.

now with my bpad II flag flying, i am letting myself really be. i am putting the pieces together. i am sinking in and marrying together all the fractured parts...til death do us part. i no longer have the desire to hold back the good, the bad or the ugly (at least for now) because it feels safe to think there is a logical reason to my, no pun inteded, insanity. although it is not the prettiest thing, i can truly see Me. the real relief is that i knew this all along, and the true surprise is that ultimately it makes me feel a lot less crazy.

promises of spring

morning dew....more sunshine and blue skies....more time....planting seeds....a new coat of paint....dan zanes and friends.....a slow transition outdoors.....running along the beach to music....opening doors and windows....hiding a new letterbox near a new home....farm stands coming to life....so many new birds to discover.....the first iced coffee....time in the sanctuary....warmth....more color....longer days and a new relaxed rhythm....jazzy music and mohitos.....friends coming over to stare at the sea....twinkling lights outside....handcrafted adirondack chairs....goals realized and big decisions finally made....beach grass and salt march hay....school vacation week....first trip to the science museum....ferry rides on the top deck....new pleasures to be had....more support....chai iced tea with agave nectar....reaching out....organizing, cleaning and purging....an organic detox....family visitors from far away....yoga by the tide....finding a babysitter....potluck burrito night for any and all....more stability and better health....creativity and connections being rekindled....herbs in my greenhouse window....creating our bohemian beach cottage home....antiquing with friends....always another adventure.

far from silence

yes, i have been quiet here in blogland...i have been quite elsewhere too, but life has not been silent. far from it. it's been full of the sounds of life moving full steam ahead...spring is here and i am anticipating the pheonix rising once again...

quietly, along with a few bubbles, this is enought for now :) thanks to all of you for your support and love.

i have another name

bright winter moon

through the depth and the darkness and the tangle of trees
there is always light
even when it seems so tiny and so far away
then i break free
and i want to race for the moon
to swallow its warm glow in great gasping gulps
and feel its energy fill me and drench me in life once again
so i devour, i gorge
i consume the light in any way i can
tasting and feeling and grasping big handfulls
digging in my toes and pouring it over where the dark used to be
i am faster and lighter and brighter
creative and witty and passionate and fun
all smiles and ease; the moon shines from within me
then i sit for a moment to catch my breath
and lick my fingertips
of every last sweet moonbeam
and in that moment i stop
a sliver of fear creeps in
just enough to remember the
plunging helplessly
and crashing downward
but by then i am already falling...

while i was gone, i was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder...bipolar affective disorder II to be exact. it answers so many old questions and fills in so many gaping holes for someone who thought she was simply chronically depressed. it doesn't change my reality, that wild ride of 3/4 highs and crushing lows, but it gives it a form...a substance i can decide to claim or to conquer. today i am happy it simply has a name.

36 gifts

1...sleeping until daylight, which hasn't happened in a long time
2...waking up to the sweetest, sleepy, off key, rendition of "happy birthday to mama"

3...the card my son picked for me wtih a goofy pug on it that makes him laugh out loud
4...the day stretching out before me with no shoulds, only decadent possibilities
5...thinking ahead to the years to come, with possibly a whole other lifetime still to live
6...a brand new hot pink ipod
7...the sun finally shining after a long stretch of cold and clouds and too much rain
8...confirming plans for the gift of an entire day of just my husband and myself
9...calls and emails and wishes of happiness steadily streaming in throughout the day

10...wearing my favorite pink beaded earrings

11...listening in my car to an interview with the author of buddah 9 to 5
12...a fireside get together with a friend, sipping warm drinks and sharing life
13...making plans to go to a fabulous art retreat next month with some great bloggie friends
14...a special handmade journal wrapped in beautiful paper and ribbon

15...time at home to enjoy the quiet and talk on the phone uninterrupted
16...a free haircut that made me feel lighter and brighter and new
17...window shopping and wandering the aisles alone and contented
18...peanuts and chocolate and hazlenut coffee
19...picking up the latest issue of real simple (with an article about blogs that caught my eye)

20..the soundtrack to the movie juno, so sweet and fun
21...puffy pink and purple clouds in the sky on my way home just before sunset
22...realizing at 5 o'clock it is still daylight, and thinking spring is slowly making it's way
23...surprise plans for a sledding party and bonfire tomorrow night
24...friday pizza and game night and playing with two furry visiters, wind and water
25...a perfect, tiny chocolate cream pie with a pink candle for dessert
26...thoughtful packages filled with goodies from family far away
27...tea and mango licorice and new shiny things to wear around my neck
28...seeing the joy of the occasion in my son's eyes, knowing it is all a gift to him as well
29...writing in my new studio space that i started setting up as my birthday gift to myself
30...the moon shining down on me through the skylight like an old friend saying hello
31...a heart to heart talk with my husband, full of surprises, honesty, emotion and hope
32...one glass of yummy merlot

33...looking forward to the birthday party and get togethers still to come next week
34...loving that my special day is always nestled between valentines and vacation time
35...time to sit and reflect and be grateful
36...going to bed sleepy and fullfilled and happy

our love

our love is... infinate, strong, & sometimes messy. but it is ours and therefore more than i could ever ask for. it is wheatland street, small factory at the causway, and mika in his playpen. it is c.o.p. and a setup in the isles of toys R' us, it is all night in the park being young and free, the top of mount washington snuggling in sleeping bags zipped together, and the first fateful ski trip with xtc playing in the car. it is elliott always in the sink and in the way, and always new music and new food to share with a girl of the bland suburbs. it is playing hooky from work (even after getting my mom on the phone) to make love and be together. it is life together than apart then together again because we couldn't bear being apart. it is the city of sin by the sea and the friendships born between us, and halloween parties and random fireworks off the balcony. it is adopting a puppy in the night like contraband, and falling in love with all legs and paws. it is the shine of las vegas, and the surreal beauty of havasu falls, and a wedding that was like a dream except for secrets revealed during a toast that ran too long :) it is becoming a part of each other's families, and all of their love and support even when they call too much or don't call at all. it is harold and maude and the sleeping gypsy and ella fitzgerald. it is honeybun, chumely, boogie and bugs. it is kimchee and christmas and hannukah too. it is our struggles big and small but working through them, forgiving and growing and committing to forever again and again.

our love is our son. our son with your love of nature and my desire to create, and my soft eyebrows and your long limbs. it is always teaching and learning life lessons, more than our fair share these days. it is peanut free, and searching for a better way, and trying our best from moment to moment. it is sticker charts, and sambal, and our secret stairs letterbox. it is cows, and fuzzy blanket, and walks on the beach. it is pizza & game night, and making time for each other but also giving space. it is firgiving and accepting and supporting and listening. it is always finding our way back to each other's arms. it is so much more than i could ever write here or even remember, but it has filled me up so completely over and over again with happiness and hope even at the brink of despair.

it is the next chapter to being written, and our happily ever after that i know will be waiting for us at the end. i love you.

being pink

"me" foam block print negative 2002

pink is often misunderstood. it is somtimes quiet and soft, sometimes baudy and passionate, sometimes hot and shocking. it is distinctly feminine and carries with it many assumptions and even responsibilities.

pink is not quite the molten fire of red, nor the peaceful expanse of white. it encompases an infinity of in betweens often dancing with moody blue and embracing warm yellow. pink has lots of room to play, evolve, and create. pink is dynamic and not always clearly defined. it is flushed with a wide range of emotions.

this is me. pink through and through.

as a teenager i rebelled against pink, thinking it was too conventional, too predictable, too stereotypical and girly, and i chose to dabble in purple for a while. purple felt weightier, more rebellious, darker and more mysterious, and so was i at the time. still i knew that purple wasn't really me. i knew deep down that i was pink.

now, pink nurtures me and inspires me. it wraps me in joy or cradles me with sensitivity. it keeps me in touch with my 'sugar and spice'. it feels pretty and creative and sexy and beautiful. pink is dreamy. pink is love. pink unites women. pink is powerful.

are you pink too?

yin & yang

the energy of yin (how i am feeling today)

fascinating eastern thinking believes in the core principals of yin and yang; that the universe, and therefore everything in it, is locked in this eternal dance of expansion (yin) and contraction (yang). everything is made up of both this inward and outward energy in different fluctuating ratios, which always has a profound effect on how things relate to one another on any given day.

in my quiet space i have been learning more about this philosophy, and have been practicing looking at my world through this new yin/yang filter.

here is a peek at some of what i see...

the cold embrace of winter and a world in hibernation (yang) ~ the yearning for spring and the promise of it's return (yin)

a period of downward gathering emotions drawing me into myself (yang) ~ the energy of other souls helping to usher me forward (yin)

the grounding energy from the earth spiraling upward (yin) ~ the the radiant energy of the universe pouring down over us (yang) {which by the way is what creates your chakras}

too many salty foods (yang) ~ creating cravings for sweetness (yin)

needing badly to rest and retreat (yang) ~ giving way to inspired energy to do and create (yin)

a physical malady that encourages a kind of hardening (yang) ~ as well as a symptom of swelling (yin)

grounding in productivity focusing on tasks (yang) ~ helping to subdue the swirling of emotions (yin)

depression (extreme yang) ~ mania (extreme yin)

coming back to share in this blogging world (yin) ~ quietly looking into your world too (yang)

thinking, feeling, planning (yang) ~ being, doing, creating, connecting (yin)

making a real connection that always give me wings (yin) ~ and a sweet gypsy who sent me the gift of earthly roots, a little tree (yang) {o.k. i took a little creative license here, but you get the idea}

so you see now how this dance is always moving around us and through us. i am beginning to understand these energies and have found that i have instinctively felt them all along. i've learned too that the urge to want to create a perfect balance between these forces is very western thinking and philosophically unproductive, for things are not ever in perfect balance nor do they ever stay the same. aligning yourself as best you can within the moment is what is needed to be truly centered, free, and happy. so it's thought.

i believe in this.

in the everchanging.

in the flow of one thing always becoming it's opposite.

in the combining of forces always creating and uncreating.

in aligning with the moment so you can sink into life, not float above it.

this (i think) is where you find real beauty and joy...in that very moment of alignment ~ of your words, of your feelings, of your eye through the lens of a camera, of the colors on your brush, of your actions and practices, of being in nature, of what you eat, or even of your life's circumstances.

thank you all for filling my well with yin...xo

down the rabbit hole

this past week She came by and and decided to stay uninvited for a while. now that she's packed her bags and is poised to leave, i am thinking about good things. things that will help me climb out of the hole and give me hope and faith in my place in this world.

i am thinking about how i am not alone, and how these women's words (and countless others) lift me up and remind me of that.

i am thinking about how grateful i am to have my sweet cousin jill, to talk to, and rant with, and hold onto, for she is all compassion and wisdom and humor and understanding, and love.

i am thinking that even in my darkest hours, i still have deep wells of strength and resourcefulness that surprise me every time.

i am thinking that i am so glad it is a rainy day today and i can stay in my pajamas and drink tea and snuggle with my little one.

i am thinking about how my family still loves me, no matter what.

i am thinking about the long weekend ahead and ways to create some warmth and joy for my two boys.

i am thinking about how relief is just around the corner.

i am thinking about painting something today.

i am thinking about these pink flowers and the bright blue sky because they make me smile.

i am thinking about all the friends who have called, missing me in my disappearance.

i am thinking about yoga.

i am thinking about re-reading this book, and unearthing little bits of inspiring wisdom like tiny treasures.

i am thinking how i want and need to plan a vacation, even if it's just to the local sheraton just for a change of pace and scenery, and maybe a soak in the jacuzzi.

i am thinking about saying hello to the world again very soon.

the completion :: mondo beyondo part 1

growing

in keeping with superhero's new year ritual, i'm inspired to participate in her mondo beyondo 2008 to put 2007 to rest and embrace the year unfolding...


1. what do you want to acknowledge yourself for in regard to 2007? (what did you create? what challenges did you face with courage and strength? what promises did you keep to yourself? what brave choices did you make? what are you proud of?)

the year brought me so much joy through the creation of the wish studio community. even though it is evolving and changing, i am so grateful to have planted these seeds that have made my life richer with new friendships, so much inspiration and opportunity, and the creation of a path towards more mindful and fullfilled living. adding yoga to my life in '07 was a true blessing as well, giving me the long overdue opportunity to reconnect with my body and giving my spirit the space to release the stresses of life. i returned to my journal this past year and my original blog here at pink sky, both spaces that help me reflect and move forward. mostly i am humbled by all the support i have had throughout the year, through the good and bad (and there was lots of both). friends and family showed up always ready to cheer me on as well as wipe away tears. it never ceases to amaze me the power of these connections.


2. What is there to grieve about 2007? (what was disappointing? what was scary? what was hard? what can you forgive yourself for?

the year challanged our family in so many ways. we weathered many rough storms that brought on big changes and forced us to rebuild and realign our goals and expectations. we grieved for the unexpected challenges that arose for our son and the loss of a path of education we were poised to embark upon, but gained insight on my own abilities as a parent. we grieved for the reliquishment of our home to escape the mortgage that was threatening to consume us alive, but learned that what we thought might be the worst case scenario was far from it. we grieved for a year that is now marked as one of the most distant between my husband and i as we struggled to stay afloat on hope alone, but find ourselves newly committed to togetherness and still forged in love.

i forgive us all for all the heartache, the anger, the fear and the guilt that lead us through many of our days in 2007. for here we are...still standing, together. our own little miracle.

i also grieve for the ebbing of two friendships...one that simply ran it's course and the other that still stays in my mind as emotions i can't quite resolve and i am not really ready to let go of yet. i think of you often. i think of you as well dear friend, and how you brought so much happiness to so many people's lives and how sad it was to say goodbye.


3. What else do you need to say about the year to declare it complete? the next step is to say out loud, "I declare 2007 complete!" how do you feel? if you don't feel quite right, there might be one more thing to say...

2007 was a year of many powerful life lessons disguised as triumph and trauma. i am grateful for what you have taught me about my own inner strength and my limitations. i am sated to know that love really does conquer all, and i am ready to take what i have learned and move into 2008 with more wisdom, more gratitude, and more joy. i thought at your end i would feel differently, defiantly crossing the line into the next 365, but i am humbled and a bit in awe of what came to pass, and bid you an honorable farewell.

"i declare 2007 complete!"

2008 will be my year of growth and progress, rooted in joy and love...i have taken my two steps back, and am ready to take a giant leap forward!

faith in the universe

having just moved to a new area, i have been looking into my different options for practicing yoga. i was so excited and finally decided to try this great ashtanga class at a unique studio barn. i left my house after prying my son from my leg, the wind howling outside to the tune of 16 degrees and my car crusted in ice, my yoga matt scrunched under my arm, and my stomach empty, determined to finally get my yoga on.

i decided on my way to class to stop for a bottle of water. though i knew time was a little tight and i wanted to get there early to get settled in, i stopped anyway remembering the teacher said there was no water available there. around the corner i found the street i was looking for but after driving up and down the road twice, i could not find the studio. it was dark and the there were no numbers on the mailboxes and the houses were all set back from the road. i drove slowly back and forth, sqinting my eyes and even pulling into a few driveways to try to see where i was. by the time i finally found the barn it was 6:34, four minutes late.

i sat in my car in the driveway and thought how badly i needed to go to this class. i banged my fist on the steering wheel in frustration and wanted to cry for all the effort it had taken to get me here on this cold winter night. i imagined trying to scurry in quietly and unnoticed, but realized that this would be in bad form as well as not being the way i wanted to introduce myself into a new yoga community. i was so mad at myself for not being able to get my act together in time and drove away crestfallen. it just wasn't meant to be.

the next morning i went online to check and see when the next class was so i could plan to be there come hell or high water. turns out the class i tried to go to the night before hadn't even started yet. i had the date wrong and the class began the following week. i could not believe it. the universe was had knowingly diverted me. i was so grateful i had not gone up and knocked on the door. a gentle reminder from the powers that be: slow down and keep the faith.

what's your wish?

happy 2008! another new year, another fresh start. i love this time when everyone is making their new years goals. i too am thinking about my intentions for this new year. as i am not a huge fan of resolutions because they often set us up for disappoointment, i am taking time to dwell in the possibilities of my wishes for the coming year. here are some of mine for 2008...

*set a regular yoga practice (i hope twice weekly)

*make more frequent connections with friends and family

*make more of my own art

*make progress on the path of joy and success for my son

*inspire two special someones to start their own blogs (which i am dying to read!)

*donate lots of warm blankets from a mother's wish, my nonprofit for babies in need

*re-energize wish studio with fresh a look and new opportunities to connect in '08

*remember to wear jewelery and dress more for fun

*create a budget that works toward our financial goals, not just paying the bills

*reduce, reuse, recycle more

*get the most out of all our healthcare benefits (they offer so much i never knew)

*take better care of my physical and mental health

*watch my little one grow into a boy, as the preschool years come to an end

*get to know my new neighbors

*go outside for fresh air with my son everyday, even if it is just to the mailbox

*send birthday cards on time

*grow fresh herbs to cook with

*set up a meditation corner in my bedroom

*let go, more

*try shifting my sleep pattern to 11 to 6, and give myself the gift of more time

*invite more happiness and less stress

*go 1 month as a vegetarian to see if it is something i might consider

*paint my livingroom and invite in color and bohemian inspiration

*practice gratitude

*align the stars for #2 to join our family

*journal the best moment of each day in a book and give it as a gift to myself at the end of the year

peace, love & joy

special thanks to mary ann for this beautiful treasure

hope your holidays were full of joy and love...

{little bits of joy from my home...candycane mice, roses and evergreens specially delivered, homemade printed market totes, mini canvas ornaments made by little hands, spicy hot kimchee jige for breakfast, snow and the wonder of winter in all it's glory}

my adoption anniversary

35 years ago this picture was taken. that's me...in the white bundle, and my young parents and my nana full of happiness and hope, amidst the chaos of JFK airport, having just recieved me off the airplane. i loved to hear my mom tell me the story of my arrival ~ how i was left on the steps of a police station, how i was in an orphanage therearter, how they got the tiny fuzzy black and white picture of me with my korean name written on it, how i flew for almost a day halfway across the world, how they waited that long trip plus 10 months for me to arrive, how i rode the whole way on the lap of a Holt angel and didn't cry, how i was the last one off a crowded plane and how anxious and excited they were, how i needed my diaper changed right away in the airport but they didn't want to put me down, how i was homely and sick and malnourished and the most beautiful baby they had ever seen, how at first i slept all day and was awake all night still on korean time, how i held and was fascinated by a tin of colorfully wrapped candies so i would stay awake, how i loved eating new foods and flourished with the basic necessities of love and nourishment and care...

it was like having my very own fairytale with a happy ending. my brother, hearing the story often as well, thought that this was how all babies came to be...born from planes :) i think he knows better now.

we celebrated today with stories and flowers and a special dinner and love. always so much love.

because i love him...

because i love my husband...
i soften when the phone rings every morning at 8:30, knowing it's him
i see him in the shape of my son's lips and his curiosity, and it makes me smile
i forgive him every time
i dream of our future with so many years still ahead
i hate that our bed is so big and there is often a dog, a child and a cat sleeping between us
i feel his pain and frustration as my own
i want to know he is happy
i am so grateful for every little part of him
i hope he knows how much i love him, even when life is pure chaos
i feel guilty for sometimes complicating our world with my own stuff
i can't believe he's mine
i am a better person for it

because i love my son...
i sometimes tear up in moments of such stunning, perfect love
i accept his imperfections because they often mirror my own
i see his pure unadultured joy as a gift
i feel bad when i yell
i think he is the cutest, smartest, most wonderful little person on this earth
i pray my best is good enough
i want to share all the magic of the world with him
i hate when he is afraid
i wish for him a long, happy, fullfilled life
i can't believe he's mine
i am a better person for it

because i love my father (happy birthday dad!)...
i pray for him to stay healthy
i am warmed by his unique quirks, his everyday bagel, his too hot coffee, his lucky green boxers
i admire him for being so accomplished at work and nationally respected in his field
i hope that i have even half his loyalty, integrity, dedication
i am greatful for his unwavering support even when i don't always make him proud
i still secretly hope that he is proud
i remember that he chose me
i know as a parent now that he did his best as a dad, and it is more than good enough
i really enjoy talking with him especially because he is a man of so few words
i see how he believes in me
i know his sense of humor is his way of showing he cares
i can't believe he's mine
i am a better person for it

because i love my brother...
i want him to always have happiness and love in his life
i treasure the time he spends with my son and that he is uncle A to him
i will never forget how he stood up for me to his friends when they made fun of me
i admire how patient and dedicated and caring he is
i wish his life was just a little bit easier
i have so many happy childhood memories because of him
i am sorry for the times when i was not the best big sister
i hope he knows that i look up to him, even if he is my little brother
i can't believe he's mine
i am a better person for it

from the emergency room :: a stream of consciousness

a hospital is a portal to a zillion different dimentions. it is a place where humanity and biology both interlace and bisect one another in a delicate yet compelling dance. so many lives are simultaneously unfolding under this one vast roof, each one burning hot and true at the center of its own little universe of wild drama or daily routine. hundreds of stories are being told at any given moment, parallel threads creating a complex and almost invisible web of life and death and every moment in between.

as i lay on the ultrasound table, i became acutely aware of this tiny, infinate microcausm. this woman sitting beside me, the technition with her pastel colored scrubs, her soft smile and disarming bedside manner, was another lifeline to another story as intricate and multi faceted as my own. i wondered about her, about the banalities of her life similar to mine like what she ate for lunch and if she was thinking about her kid's homework as we were sat together quietly under the hum of the machinery and the flourescent lights.

as suddenly as we were thrusted together, in my mind i saw our paths seperate again. i thought about her work and about all the soft bellies she had rubbed with her magic sound wand and wondered what she had seen. i watched her expression carefully as she worked on me, trying to see any glimmmer of recognition or hint of displeasure in her eyes. she would be great at playing poker, not letting on to her opponants what secrets she held in her hands. was she often the bearer of good news or did she carry her findings inside of her like a heavy load? did she go home feeling like she had helped save lives or did she think of how destructive the initial shock of bad news might be on her unsuspecting patients?

i remembered then being on a similar table in my own doctor's office on a warm july day. my husband was beside me holding my hand, waiting for news too dreadful to speak or even think about. the silence was stabbing and we both were cold from fear. then the feelings of that experience came back to me in a rush of heat and breathlessness. the doctor solomn and sad, telling us that there was no heartbeat. such a strange and cruel thing to comprehend when you are an expectant mother with her joyful husband there to see the little life you created and are so ready to bring into the world...back in the present, i lay on my side breathing the exaggerated breaths in and out as directed, and a tear slid from the corner of my eye. concerned it was my physical pain the tech kindly asked if i could go on. i did go on, i remember.

and then i was plummetting into the next moment like a freefall in a dream. what if there was something bad growing inside of me? what if on that screen hidden in the strange pixelated language was another fate i was not expecting to hear? for an instant i felt bad for her, for having to be the first to know and needing to tell the doctor the gravity of the results. and then immediately i was afraid. really afraid.

luckily in the 24 hours i spent in the hospital, my fears were put to rest. i am haunted though by the intersection of all those lives, like my soul was steeped in it all. bits and pieces float in my mind...the young paramedic flirting with the cute blond nurse...the nurses ongoing talk about he-said and she-said and bad hospital policy...my cardiac nurse who had bought uggs for her three daughters but was worried she won't get them in time for christmas...the drug addict screaming for detox...the old woman behind the curtain next to me with her diabetes and cellulitus and broken thumb...the respectful and quiet smile of the young man sweeping the hallway where i lay...the stale smell of hospital food...the fear in the eyes of my husband and son...the crying of a young girl in the waiting area...

it is hard to explain. i feel a part of something vast and intangible from that experience. maybe it is just my own trauma trying to find a place for its new existance in my story. maybe it was being touched by all the other stories unfurled and open around me like laundry hanging on a line. maybe it is just seeing life so raw and up close and simply being a part of it in my own small way.

edited to add: thank you all for your emails...i am truly touched by all of your care and concern. i am doing fine, resting at home.

latkes and love

what is better than...

making crazy gingerbread houses with glurpy icing and too hard candies and lots of laughs, especially when the roof slides off and crashes to the floor

homemade gifties like this record-bowl and herb packs to toast your cold toes, pictures drawn by little hands and notecards sewn with love

friends arriving wrapped in hats and slippers, tie-dye and smiles, and lots of t.l.c.

finding out your fire alarm works because of the charred lunch smoking in your oven (and the kids laughing instead of freaking out at the rediculously loud noise :)

catching up and watching the grinch and time flying and hugs

hannukah candles the colors of the rainbow, an antique manorah that has been in the family for years, hot latkes with applesauce and sour cream

getting a weekend's worth of errands done in one day with a smiling child

planning a little family birthday party for my dad here at the new house

watching the seagulls play chase over the icy waves

a play store set up in one of the spare bedrooms, complete with a register, shopping bags, and lots of recycled "food" containers to stock the shelves with

seeing old christmas specials for the first time in years, like rudolphs shiny new year and the year without a santa clause

ella fitzgerald's christmas cd playing jazzy renditions of our favorite tunes

my 35th adoption anniversary around the corner and teaching my son about it

glitter on everything

exploring all the little shops and galleries in our new neighborhood, all festively decorated and brimming with small treasures

any given monday :: a day in the life of one mama

4:45 husband kisses me goodbye in the dark.

5:30am "mom? can you come in here a minute? i need you." "it's almost morning. you're ok." "noooooo! i need to go potty" "then go ahead." (footsteps)

5:45 "mom? is it time to get up yet?" "not yet. five more minutes"

6:30 "mom? is five minutes up yet?" "one minute left!"

7:00 (now in my bed) "mom. it's morning" "i know...{yawn}"

7:15 feed dogs and let them out, coffee on, curious george on, warm milk heated and warm slippers on, survey fridge for breakfast, check email, drink said coffee and begin to wake up.

8:00 breakfast for two at the table, seeing if the ducks are here yet, checking weather and tide, talk about our day ahead.

8:30 husband calls to check in "how's your day going?" "good. oops gotta go because o is (jumping on the couch, chasing the cat, climbing on the counter, or some other attention getting mom's-on-the-phone behavior)

8:31 "see you later. xx" "bye."

9:00 wrangle a wiggly 4 year old and help him reluctantly get dressed. find something not too terribly mommish to wear.

10:00 play, blog, craft...or something. eat am snack "mom? can i have candy or gum?" "it's 10 in the morning. no way. how about an apple?" "ohw...you always say that!"

10:30 out of the house to run errands du jour.

12:00 lunch time. "mom? can i have candy now?" {sigh} "no. eat some lunch please."

12:30 computer time...super secret spy or the schmancy smash up game or grocery a-go-go or some such preschool silliness.

1:00 quiet time (yay!), pick up house, throw in laundry, do dishes, organize, make calls, maybe read a little or take a spotty nap.

1:10 "mom? is quiet time over?" "no. would you like to look at a book?" "but that's too boring!" "how about some music?" "can i chew gum? that's fun."

2:00 with renewed energy...play a game or craft some more or go outside...

3:00 snacktime again. "yes. you can have some gum after your snack, but you are not having candy."

4:45 "dad's home!" (wha who!)

5:30 dinner for three, maybe a candle and some soft music, talk about the best parts of our days "what was your favorite part of the day?" "having gum!" "besides having gum."

6:15 shower, jammies (usually under protest), and brush teeth

6:30 family time, usually a game of uno or war or memory or cariboo. maybe a little yatzee or playing train or store.

7:00 stories in bed

7:30 bedtime! (hopefully, but not usually)

8:30 half asleep in the big stuffed chair in my son's room, deciding whether or not to crawl right into bed or go spend an hour with hubby.

8:45 snuggle on couch with tired husband in front of the tv, grateful he does the dishes.

9:30 husband goes off to sleep. read, blog, journal, watch bad girlie reality tv or private practice, and fall asleep exhausted :)

all day long...lucky mama.

thoughts on my creative dreams {a tag}

1 ~ somewhere deep within me, i know there is a book to be written. i hear it quietly whispering to me in the background of my internal dialogue. i can't make out the words clearly yet, so i don't know what this book wants to be, but i feel it there. waiting to shout something out to the world.

2 ~ i have been doing a lot of thinking about the two businesses i have created. time is always pulling them in new directions and places, but they are still very close to my heart and i will continue to nurture these seedlings. the nonprofit program grew out of my desire to connect and support mothers, and the wish studio evolved out of my desire to form a community of women in a more creative rhelm. what i have come to learn about both these is that i did not create either one for the money. i brought them to life envisioning circles of women coming together because of their desire to be a part of something bigger than themselves. i have new ideas of how i want the marriage of these two extentions of myself to coexist and flourish. moving my creative endeavors forward is definately part of my creative dream.

3 ~ through the process of creating a mother's wish and the wish studio, i am learning more about my own motivations, strengths and weaknesses as a woman, a mother, a creative soul, and entrepeneur. i am searching for the right balance of all these things. through the ups and downs i am getting a clearer picture of what that balance is. i want my ideals and creativity to infuse these areas of my life. what i don't want is my life to be defined by what i do creatively. i sometimes struggle with this. always coming from a place of intention and authenticity is a lifetime of work i will work to embrace each day.

4 ~ i hope to continue to connect with all kinds of creative women for inspiration, for friendships, for personal and professional growth. i have been very blessed to have such women in my life...those who really lift me up, and teach me about passion and dreams! you are all an integral part of my world.

5 ~ on the flip side, i hope to inspire others to keep pushing to make their creative dreams real. inspiring someone elses creativity is such an honor and a gift.

6 ~ there comes a lot of responsibility and pressure at times from being someone who is creative. expectations are sometimes that you are always creating and making things, and this pressure can be both internal and external. another of my creative dreams is to find the freedom and confidence in my creativity. to come to that place where i feel like i am creating for the pure joy of it, and not letting expecations get in the way of the real process.

7 ~ i want to learn more about art. i would love the opportunity to take some classes...in art history, painting, photography, silk screening, jewelry making, pottery, fiber arts...anything really. i love to learn and be dazzled by the knowledge how things work. as an adult learner it is all about the experience, not the end result. the idea of being in a room with lots of creative people and lots to learn is so exciting!

8 ~ my son has always been enthralled by all things creative. from the wrapped islands to creating concoctions, to painting and gluing, his fascination is always being captured by new ideas and artful experiences. my dream is to fully support and inspire his creative interests that will someday evolve into his own creative dreams.

thanks melba for this thoughtful and inspiring tag. now it's your turn to tell me your creative dreams!

also today is the last day to be a part of my green holiday gift swap. this is your invitation to get creative with me.

feeling lots of feelings

i sit here today beginning to write, then deleting and rewriting. i've done this several times now. i know i have things to say. there are lots of things swirling around in my head but the thoughts and feelings are not forming easily. it feels like trying to catch the fog. i can't pin anything down and form the words. maybe later...

11.29 edited to add: as the day progressed, i knew it was going to be a junk day. i have days like that. where my head is thick, and i have absolutely nothing to give, i feel sluggish and angry at the sky for being so beautiful, and i try smothering the dull unexplained achiness with sleep and food and bitterness to no avail.

this is an ugly side of myself.
still, every once in a while i invite her in.

her beauty and grace are intoxocating and
she promises comfort but it is always a trick.
she comes and casts her black spells around me
and offers me the sweet taste of anger
like a shiny, perfect, red, poison apple.
with time she bleeds into me like an infectious disease,
through my body and into my head,
drowning out reason and rational thinking.
she is wanting, and hurtful, and broken.
she mocks me and ladens me with guilt for choosing to take her hand,
all while digging in deeper and holding tighter.
she laughs at weekness as it fuels her fire.
she dances joyfully around the hot firey sparks of my pain,

and collects my tears in dirty cracked jars,

like tiny silver stars lost to the universe forever...

today i decided to kick her out, but she is banging relentlessly at the front door.